A dear friend of mine recently joined a leadership team. The CEO she is working for keeps giving her feedback about her leadership style and how she’s not going to be successful as a leader without changing her style. He is strongly suggesting that she be more decisive in meetings and less collaborative with her team. He is pushing her to focus less on individual relationships and more on broader strategy and vision. He implicitly has made clear that leaders in his organization follow the mold of being assertive, charismatic, commanding in a room, and are visionary thinkers.
Yet, my friend has been successful leading and managing in her 15 year career doing exactly the opposite of what her CEO is pushing her to do. So now, to be successful in her new organization, she has to change almost everything about who she authentically is as a leader.
Here’s what I see happen all the time: in the spirit of “feedback” and “development” executives and leaders try to mold us into a mini-version of themselves and that mini-version often mimics our society’s view of what a leader should look and act like. If our bosses got to the top being an extroverted, aggressive, super decisive, charismatic leader, then they think all other rising leaders should also have these traits. But time and time again, research shows that these stereotypical leadership traits don’t actually make for more successful leaders.*
I could go on and on about how frustrating it is that we value and hold up certain leadership traits, but ignore other just as important traits. But, in the interest of time (as I know my newsletter is competing with the time you could be spending reading Buzzfeed, or if you’re one of my high-brow readers, The Atlantic), I want to share two leadership characteristics that are under-acknowledged, but impactful and important. (It’s no coincidence that these two traits are often associated with “feminine” management qualities - and therefore often seen as less effective). Here they are;
Powerless communication: this is a highly effective communication style that uses an inquiry, question-based approach (versus an advocacy approach); focuses on consensus building and collaboration, and uses vulnerability and asking for help as key strengths and tools to build trust. Powerless communicators “lead with an unbeatable mix of empathy and competence.” (Psych Today)
Relational leadership: this is the leadership style that focuses on relationships first, and places values on empathy, connecting, and an overall “people-first” orientation. These leaders are the “coaches” of an organization, and provide encouragement, reinforce confidence in others, and empower team members to contribute and speak up.
We are at a moment in time when employees are fleeing bad bosses, bad cultures, and the feelings of not being seen or understood by the people who manage them. Powerless communicators and relational leaders directly address these issues.
If you read these traits and thought to yourself: that’s me! That’s my style! Then…awesome! Build on these traits. Remember that they are strengths and continue to hone your authentic style that highlights these traits. And, if someone tries to tell you to be less collaborative, care less about relationships, or stop using questions and inquiry as an approach, perhaps subtly point them in the direction of this newsletter!
Happy leading!
Rachel
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ICYMI
Chardonnay and a good book: If you want to do something other than gossip about Bennifer’s engagement in your next book club, here’s a handy dandy set of discussion questions and a book club guide for Bringing Up the Boss. It’s perfect for a monthly company book club (complete with homework and some awkward role-play exercises).
Food for thought: I recently came across something called the DRAMMA model. It’s an acronym for what rejuvenates us from stressful work (detachment, relaxation, autonomy, mastery, meaning, and affiliation). As you’re grappling with your own and others’ burnout, it may be a helpful framing for how to combat it!
Trust fall season: As you’re heading to the summer, you may be tasked with planning your company offsite. Great in theory, but when you’re deep in the weeds of deciding whether to run a human knot session or just go right for a classic trust fall, this list of great company offsite sessions may be helpful!
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Do you ever feel like you’d read more if books had pictures, like they did when you were six? Well check out Bringing Up the Boss! It’s not winning any Caldecott Medals, but its illustrations make learning about management a heck of a lot more fun!
*See research by: Chatterjee & Hambrick, 2007; Grant, 2011; Ou & Hambrick 2014