The Three Question Test
Giving Feedback the Right Way
Hi friend!
I’m sure you’re feeling swamped and scrambling as you prepare for the holiday this week and the December dash.* I want to share some very brief reflections for you to chew on as we head to the end-of-the-year performance and feedback conversations with your team members.
As you may know, I’m a huge fan of a very simple feedback process that we can all use to let our teams, spouses, siblings, parents, bosses, and Tinder dates know how their behavior (good or not-so-good) is perceived.
I love this process, but I love an even more simple way of thinking about whether and how you should give feedback.
It’s the Three Question Test. It’s asking: Is this feedback kind? Is it necessary? And, is it true?**
Why are these questions so powerful as they relate to feedback?
Is it kind? Is the feedback coming from a place of development and growth? Are you giving the feedback because you care about the person receiving it and supporting them?
Is it necessary? Does the feedback matter? Why is it important to be giving this feedback? What impact does the person’s behaviors have on you, or on your team, or on your client?
Is it true? Are you starting the feedback conversation from a place of observation and data? Or, are you starting the feedback conversation from a place of attribution or accusation?
If you can answer yes to each of these questions, your feedback is growth-oriented, empathetic, and will lead to a collaborative discussion that helps your team member (and you) develop. If you answer no to one of these questions, I would push you to rethink what feedback you are giving and what you are truly trying to achieve in giving this feedback.
Often we give feedback because we want to communicate that we are right and the other person is wrong. Or we give feedback that doesn’t actually matter because we want to be seen as critical or having authority. And, we often give feedback that is based around inference and attribution errors, where we make assumptions about who someone is based on how we interpreted their behaviors.
These three questions remind us that when done well feedback is truly a gift we can give our team members to help them develop. (Granted, they might think of it like underwear - a gift they need, maybe not one they want - but that’s a whole other conversation…)
I want to close with a quote I heard on a podcast about a month ago. Like you, I’ve been managing stresses and challenges on a number of levels over the past few months, especially in heading into the holiday season. This quote reminded me that no matter what the situation, approach it with kindness. Full stop.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
- Abraham Joshua Heschel
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A slightly self-serving note: In years past, every holiday I gifted my team leadership books that reminded me of them. They were a great token to express my gratitude for what they accomplished over the year and provided some brain food to inspire them when they came back into the office in January. Perhaps you want to give your team members an inspiring yet practical book to read over their breaks?
Well, you know what’s not being affected by the supply chain this holiday season? My book, Bringing Up the Boss! There are plenty of copies in the warehouse ready to be shipped out to your team members for holiday gifts!
Cheers,
Rachel
*The inevitable scramble that happens every December where we try to get everything done that we’ve put off earlier in the year before the imaginary January 1st cliff.
** By no means did I come up with these three questions. I first heard of them in a yoga training, but upon further digging, I found attributions to Bernard Meltzer, a radio host, to canonical Buddhist teachings, and to the Rotary Club International. I’m sure there are many other places where these questions may have surfaced.
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Rachel Pacheco
Bringing Up the Boss: Practical Lessons for New Managers
rachelpacheco.com
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